


A Future I’ll Never Know

by winter__barnes



Series: The Life I’ve Longed For [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Captain America: The First Avenger, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Steve Rogers, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, War Era, World War II, do not copy to another site
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:00:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27727807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winter__barnes/pseuds/winter__barnes
Summary: Bucky always knew he wouldn’t come back from the war. Having a life after it was for Steve, and that life included Peggy. Despite that knowledge, he writes about Steve every night when he’s on guard; while Steve and the Howlies sleep. When he finishes writing, he casts the words into the campfire beside him, because he knows the one thing he’s always wanted is something that was never meant to be his.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Series: The Life I’ve Longed For [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028199
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	A Future I’ll Never Know

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first stevebucky fic. it’s a wip with three parts total; from tfa to endgame. hopefully i can update this with a new chapter every week, but the schedule is still tbd.
> 
> updates will be posted on my [twitter](https://twitter.com/_winterbarnes)  
> and [tumblr.](https://winter-barnes-on-twt.tumblr.com/)  
> ~
> 
> special thanks to  
> [gigi](https://twitter.com/mlmbxrnes)  
> [emma](https://twitter.com/aesthetebarnes)  
> [bouchra](https://twitter.com/fearlessbarncs)  
> [fio](https://twitter.com/iconicromanova)  
> 

_November 1943_

“James Barnes, Sergeant 32557038.”

Bucky Barnes had been in the isolation ward of the Austrian weapons facility for God knows how long. Not that he remembered most of it at the moment; being as drugged as he was didn’t exactly reward him with sharp memories of the occasion.

He remembered the 107th being captured during the battle in Azzano and being taken as prisoners. Hydra had forced the soldiers to make weapons in the factory, ones to the likes of which none of the men had ever seen before.

The first time he saw them in action, it had been on the receiving side. He had watched helplessly as a blue flash appeared from one of the foreign guns, incinerating a man who had fighting alongside him seconds before.

Upon assembling them, it appeared as though they got their power from one specific source. Dum Dum claimed it was alien, but Bucky hadn’t known what to think of it. Although he knew it wasn’t anything they’d been aware Hydra had access to previously.

Not too long after he caught pneumonia, he was taken away to the isolation ward, where every man who had been sent previously never returned.

_This is it,_ he had thought. _This is how it happens._

Bucky had the same deep, sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach he had felt the day he got that goddamn letter. The feeling that he wouldn’t come back from the war.

It’s not that he didn’t want to fight. He’d always been athletic, and he might have even taken it upon himself to enlist if it weren’t for Steve. It was a just war, and he was proud to wear the uniform. But it was Steve that he had a commitment to.

He wasn’t stupid enough to not be afraid, though.

The only person who knew he had been drafted was Steve, and if Bucky had things his way, not even he would know.

Bucky had come home late one night, drunk and tired after a long day working at the docks, to Steve sitting at the broken table in their small Brooklyn apartment with his head in his hands. He looked up immediately when Bucky opened the door.

His eyes were rimmed with red, and his face was swollen. He had been crying; something Steve never did.

_Jesus Christ,_ Bucky thought as he closed the door.

“Hi Stevie,” he said softly. “What happened?”

Steve stood up as Bucky slowly walked toward him, willing himself to be as coherent as possible because he knew it was something bad.

Steve’s eyes started to water. He opened his mouth as if to say something, but only a small choked noise came out. He cleared his throat and handed him a letter.

Bucky looked at Steve for a second, hesitant and confused, before taking the already opened envelope into his own hands and pulling out the paper.

Bucky felt his heart stop and wasn’t sure he could breathe.

_Having submitted yourself to a local board composed of your neighbors for the purpose of determining your availability for training and service in the armed forces of the United States, you are hereby notified that you have now been selected for training and service in the Army._

_Holy fuck._

Bucky slowly looked up at Steve, who was wiping away tears as soon as they fell.

“Buck, what if something happens,” he said, trying to steady his voice.

Bucky stared at Steve and thought about what this meant. He knew things couldn’t have continued as they were forever, the two of them living together without the troubles of the outside world seeping in. He always knew things would have to change, no matter how long he denied it. But Bucky should have seen it coming sooner.

Steve had just gotten a stable job and could pay to live on his own. But knowing him, just because Bucky wouldn’t be there doesn’t mean he’d stop getting his ass handed to him in fights. They had grown to need each other; after spending so many years relying on one another, Bucky didn’t know if either of them were ready to be apart.

“It’ll be fine, Stevie,” Bucky said, doing his best to not sound as scared as he felt. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

Steve started crying and Bucky pulled him into a tight hug.

_Fuck._

* * *

When Bucky had gone off to basic, he decided he needed to face his situation with as much strength as possible. He knew he had no better chances at surviving than the next man, but for Steve’s sake, he’d never admit it. Besides, it was an honor to serve your country. Why didn’t it feel like one?

He had always been charismatic; he was strong, charming, hard-working, and smart. He gained respect from his peers and eventually was given the rank of Sergeant, something he was very proud of.

By the time he got back, he felt more sure of himself, having come to terms with his future. But he had to make extra effort to show he was confident, for Steve. He’d flash his charming smile he saves for dames, walk with purpose, be calm and reassuring.

Steve had been so upset at the uncertainty that came with Bucky being an ocean away, fighting a war. They were the only family each other had; neither of them could bear to lose one another. Steve had been trying to enlist ever since Bucky got his letter, in hopes they could fight alongside one another; keep each other safe, as they always have.

But Steve Rogers would never be marked anything other than 4F. That and Bucky didn’t want him anywhere near the war, where something could go wrong. If one of them had to go, it should be Bucky. Steve didn’t live through those long winters on what would have been his deathbed for nothing.

The night before he left for England, he took Steve to the Stark Expo, in an attempt to cheer him up. He knew how badly Steve wanted to fight; for something bigger than him—and not physically. Steve had already lied on his enlistment form four times and Bucky feared for what might be about to happen, as he would shortly be on his way to do it for a fifth.

“Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back,” Bucky had told him before going dancing with their dates.

“How can I,” Steve responded with a smirk. “you’re taking all the stupid with you.”

“You’re a punk,” Bucky said, holding back a smile and hugged Steve, trying not to think that this might be their last.

“Jerk. Be careful.”

Bucky closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking in Steve’s favorite cheap cologne he always wore, that Bucky had bought him for his birthday a couple of years back.

“For the dames,” he had said with a grin as he handed him the bottle.

The thoughts he had been suppressing swam in his head. Would he ever see Steve again? The poor 5’4 asthmatic had stolen his heart, but it was something he’d never know.

_Speak now or forever hold your peace, Barnes._

He pulled away from Steve, and turned around, starting to walk toward the women waiting for him. It’s not like he wasn’t attracted to the dames; they were beautiful and made good company. But he couldn’t help the way he felt about men either. Most particularly, Steve.

“Don’t win the war ‘til I get there!” he heard Steve call out from behind him.

Bucky smiled to himself before turning around and giving his best friend a salute, then walking away.

“Come on, girls. They’re playing our song.”

He didn’t think about anything else but Steve for the rest of the night.

* * *

Now he was a prisoner of war, knowing nobody cared to come to the aid of him and his soldiers. That was, until Steve fuckin’ Rogers, of all people, waltzed into the room he was being kept in.

“…S-sergeant, 32557–.”

“Bucky?” Steve spoke in a pained voice. “Oh my _God_.”

Bucky opened his eyes. He had been fighting to stay awake; fighting to stay alive. It was when he heard Steve’s voice he was sure he had died.

But Steve was heaven. No way was Bucky to end up there; not after everything he’d done. He’d lied, stolen, and was a goddamn queer. He’d be in the worst parts of Hell on that alone.

He looked up to see Steve. No, not dead. Hallucinating again. He was sure of it. Steve was home, in Brooklyn. Steve was safe, far away from the war. Oh, God, don’t tell him Steve was dead too.

“Is—is that…?”

“It’s me,” Steve said with a breath. “it’s me, it’s Steve.”

“Steve?”

Bucky started to regain full-consciousness as Steve was undoing the straps that held him to the table.

“Come on,” he said hurriedly.

“Steve.”

Steve lifted him to his feet and appeared to now be _much_ bigger and was maybe a couple of inches taller than Bucky. It felt like something out of a dream, but dreams were never this _real_.

Steve stared at him for a moment, eyes filled with worry. He brought up a hand to touch Bucky’s cheek, and Bucky could have sworn that had to be the warmest Steve’s hand has ever been.

He looked into Bucky’s eyes and whispered “I thought you were dead.”

So he was alive. And Steve was there. With him, in Austria.

“I thought you were smaller,” Bucky responded, still unable to believe what he was seeing. “Is this real? Are you here?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Buck, I’m here,” Steve said with a small smile. “Come on,”

They started to leave the room, Steve supporting most of Bucky’s weight.

“What happened to you?”

“I joined the army.”

Bucky scoffed. He had been right to fear what would happen that fifth time.

“I’m serious! After you left, and I enlisted again, this doctor offered me a chance. He chose me to receive this super-soldier serum he made, and it worked. Phillips thought it was bullshit though; so I ended up touring to sell bonds. I was performing for the soldiers back at base today when I heard the 107th got captured—you got captured. Phillips told me you were dead but I didn’t believe it and went after you. God, Buck, I’m so glad I did.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. Of course, he left Steve for five minutes— _five fucking minutes_ —and he goes off and gets himself shot up with drugs that seemed to cure all his ailments.

_All but his stupidity._

Going thirty miles deep into enemy territory, alone, to save one man who wasn’t even guaranteed to still be alive? Fucking idiot.

Bucky was also sure that ‘super-soldier serum’ had to be the stupidest shit he’d ever heard, and Phillips wouldn’t have been the only one to think it was bullshit if Steve wasn’t living proof.

But still. Steve risked his life for him.

“Did it hurt?” was all he could muster, his mind still foggy from whatever he was on, and his body doing its best not to give out.

“A little,” Steve replied as they hurried down the hall.

“Is it permanent?”

“So far.”

Steve looked back at him with concern, “Are you alright, Buck?”

Bucky forced a smile. “I’m fine, Stevie.”

He still couldn’t process everything that was going on, and he was too out of it to know how he felt about the way Steve was now, but he knew it was strange.

They hurried upstairs to the exit, so close to escaping the factory that was up in flames and exploding around them. They had almost made it when they were met by Johann Schmidt and Arnim Zola.

“Captain America!” the man called from the other side of the bridge separating them. “How exciting! I’m a great fan of your films.”

Schmidt began walking towards them, and Steve went to meet him. Bucky braced himself against the railing, feeling sick to his stomach.

“So, Dr. Erskine managed it after all. Not exactly an _improvement_ , but, still. Impressive.” He sneered, approaching Steve.

Steve punched him in the face, hard.

“You’ve got no idea.”

_No, he doesn’t._ Bucky thought angrily.

He had no idea what it was like; seeing Steve get sicker and sicker every winter. Sitting next to the one person in the world you’d do anything for, dying while you feel as helpless as ever.

He’d never have _any_ idea what it was like.

It seemed as though the skin below Schmidt’s eye had split, and was bleeding. But there was no blood emerging from it. The skin was just…red?

He briefly touched where Steve had hit him, then rebutted.

“Haven’t I?”

Steve broke the swing with the shield he had been carrying, before drawing his gun. Schmidt hit him again, now knocking Steve over as the gun fell from his hand, into the abyss of flames far below them.

Schmidt made as if to advance Steve, who then kicked him so hard he flew back. Behind him, Zola pulled a lever causing the bridge to split in the middle, both pieces being drawn back to each’s respective side.

Both Steve and Schmidt got up as Bucky grabbed the bridge moving towards him, willing Steve to safety.

Each piece drew back completely and stopped as Schmidt called out, “No matter what lies Erskine told you, you see I was his greatest success!”

To Bucky’s horror, the man _pulled off his face_.

Underneath it was the red Bucky had observed before. The man had a red skull; his face twisted and narrow.

Bucky felt like he was about to lose his stomach, but swallowed hard in response to the bile rising in the back of his throat.

“…You don’t have one of those, do you?”

He was really only half-joking. ‘Erskine’ seemed to be the doctor Steve had referred to about the serum. If it did _that_ to this man, he didn’t want to think about what it might have done to his friend.

“You are deluded, Captain.” The Red Skull called out from across the cavern, casting the face-mask into it. “You pretend to be a simple soldier, but in reality, you are just afraid to admit that we have left humanity behind. Unlike you, I embrace it proudly. Without fear!”

“Then how come you’re running?” Steve said through his teeth.

Zola and Schmidt stepped into the elevator next to them and closed the door behind them.

There was a loud explosion that startled the two remaining men, who were running out of time and options.

Steve glanced above them and saw another exit. He looked to Bucky, willing himself to be brave.

“Come on, let’s go, up,” he said, grabbing Bucky’s arm and pulling him towards another set of stairs.

When they reached the top, there was a long metal beam extending from one side to the other. Below them was a long, long drop, straight into flames.

Steve took a deep breath.

“Let’s go, one at a time.”

He helped Bucky over the railing, who was scared shitless and trying to not look down. He instead focused on the exit, where he was attempting to reach.

He let go of the railing and slowly inched his way toward the other side. The explosions beneath him kept multiplying, and the beam under his feet began to falter.

Nearly losing his balance, Bucky ran across the beam and leapt to the other side when it fell, gripping the railing and climbing over it.

He sighed heavily, shaking, while the sound of his heart was beating madly in his ears. Bucky looked helplessly across the way at Steve, who met his eyes with fear and worry.

“There’s gotta be a rope or something!” he called out with exasperation, voice hoarse.

“Just go! Get out of here!” Steve called back.

For a moment, his mind was clear. He felt rage and adrenaline surge through him.

_I’ll do anything for you, but you’re not dying for me._

“ _No!_ Not without you!” he yelled with pain and determination.

It was the most alive he’d felt since he was captured.

Steve looked at him for a moment, weighing his options, before bending the rail in front of him forward, backing up, and taking a running jump across the chasm.

He barely made it as he stumbled onto the platform and the factory was almost completely enveloped in flames.

“C’mon Buck, just a little farther, pal,” Steve said getting up and hauling Bucky along with him.

Steve ushered him to the doorway when opened led to an outside set of stairs.

The moment the crisp, cold air hit Bucky’s face, he felt a flood of relief. He never thought he’d make it off that goddamn table, but here he was.

With Steve.

He kept a death grip on the rail as they quickly stumbled down each step towards the ground, willing himself not to trip.

After reaching the bottom, they raced toward safety to the edge of a nearby forest, not too far away from the clearing Steve told the other soldiers to meet him at.

Bucky collapsed when they got there, breathing hard. Steve was panting a little but was fine within the minute.

“Wouldn’t have been able to— to do that,” he said between breaths. “before, huh, Rogers?”

Steve looked at him and smiled, offering his hand.

Bucky returned the smile and accepted it, much bigger and warmer than it had been before, but it was still Steve’s hand.

As he got to his feet, Steve hugged him hard.

“Missed you, pal.”

Bucky sighed and patted him on the back.

“I missed you too, punk. Be careful, you’re gonna break my ribs!”

“Sorry,” Steve said with an apologetic smile as he pulled back.

Bucky wondered if Steve could tell something was off. He _felt_ off, but maybe that was just one of the mystery drugs he had been given. Surely it would wear off soon. Maybe he could make himself forget it ever happened, once he got himself to a bar again.

Steve looked at him funny, the way he did when he means to tell someone something. It’s a look only Bucky could recognize.

“What?” he said in mock defensiveness. “Do I have something on my face?”

“Yeah, that big nose of yours,” Steve said with a grin, flicking Bucky’s nose.

“Fuck you,” he scoffed with the ghost of a smile. “we all know you have the ugly beak here, pal.”

“I’m not the fifteen-year-old who claimed they could set a broken nose and that going to the doctor was ‘expensive and unnecessary’!”

Bucky punched him in the arm lightly. Jesus, those biceps were _huge_.

“I was right, you know. It would have cost us a fortune!”

“Whatever, you jerk.”

“Hey, it’s not so bad. There’s more to you than just that. Like being a fucking idiot! Going this deep into enemy territory on foot, _alone_ for Christ’s sake, to save one man who might have been dead! _Jesus,_ Steve.”

Steve blushed. “I had a ride…” he said sheepishly, before pulling out a broken transponder. “but it looks like we’ll be going back on foot.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Let’s get to it, then.”

Steve put an arm under Bucky to support him as they started towards the waiting soldiers.

_So this isn’t how it happens, after all,_ he thought to himself, content and unable to believe this was real.

**Author's Note:**

> if you liked this, please leave kudos!
> 
> if you want to leave a comment, i’m open to compliments, constructive criticism, and maybe even suggestions. please be nice though<3
> 
> i’m on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/_winterbarnes)  
> ...and [tumblr!](https://winter-barnes-on-twt.tumblr.com/)
> 
> i’ll be posting updates for this fic on both platforms.
> 
> if anyone wants to make fanart, podfics, or etc for this fic, you have my permission. however, please let me know. i do not want this work, or any other work within this series published on any other website.
> 
> thank you for reading!


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